by
NARR: You know that saying your mother always told you about wearing a clean pair of underwear - in case you got into an accident and had to go to the hospital? That's pretty good advice. Let me tell you why.
It was the spring of 1985. I wasn't a cop yet. I was going through the lengthy process to become one: background investigation, medical and psychological exams, and a ton of paperwork.
One of the final requirements, just before entering the Police Academy, was what they called a "mini-medical" - a simple medical exam. This was just one last check by the Department to make sure you were ok.
The N.Y.P.D.'s Medical Division was in a huge office building in Queens.
As with all of my appointments during this process, I wore a suit. I sat in a room with about 45 other young men and women who were soon to be cops, all of us similarly dressed. It looked like a classroom - old desks neatly lined up with a portable blackboard at the front of the room.
While we filled out paperwork, cops who worked in the unit were doing the same at a rectangular table in the front of the room on a small, raised stage.
The cop barking out most of the instructions was known as Skippy. That wasn't his real name. But he called everyone Skippy, so we all referred to him by that name, though not to his face.
Skippy was thinly built with a wisp of dirty gray hair on his head. He was probably around 45, but looked older. I'm sure all those cigarettes he smoked didn't help.
The applicants looked up when Skippy spoke.
"OK, all the ladies go with Officer Smith to the room next door."
I thought that was kind of strange, since this was supposed to be a quick check-up. But I soon realized why he said this as the last woman left the room.
"Everybody strip down to your underwear for the medical exam," he said.
I almost fell off the chair. I immediately felt very alone. Oh damn, I said to myself, of all the days to have to run out of clean underwear, why now?
"Do we got any beach bums here today?" Skippy asked.
I'd never heard that expression before, but I knew what he meant. I shot my hand up and scanned the room, praying that I wasn't the only one. But no one else had raised his hand. Skippy looked at me with a sinister grin.
"Alright Skippy, get undressed and sit down on the chair, maybe you'll learn a lesson and get a splinter in your ass," he said.
I got undressed and sat down in the chair. I wanted to leave but I was afraid to, because they always threatened to put your folder on the bottom of the pile of new recruits if you did anything to hold up the process.
There were about forty guys in the room now. And I was the only one who was butt naked. The other 39 sat there in their underwear.
We sat in rows of six across. Skippy told the first row to stand up. They turned to their left, made another left down the aisle and then walked to the back of the classroom where one of the cops weighed them.
I was sitting in the fourth row. I could hear guys beginning to whisper about me from behind. The two guys seated next to me stared straight ahead, refusing to acknowledge my nakedness.
The laughs kept growing louder.
By the time my row was ordered to stand, my fellow applicants couldn't contain themselves any longer. They roared with laughter.
I followed the guy in front of me, and waited for my turn to step on the scale at the back of the room. The cop who weighed me tried to maintain his professional demeanor.
After the weigh-in, we had to proceed to the front of the class to get examined by the doctor.
Skippy was seated at the table with a few other cops as I approached the front of the room.
"Nice tattoo Skippy," he said as he spotted the eagle on my right thigh.
I turned to face the rest of the class, full-monty style. Skippy ordered us to run in place. The other five guys all had on gleaming white underwear. I'd never envied another man in a pair of drawers before. But I did that day.
After a minute or so, the doctor came by and checked everyone's heart with a stethoscope. He could barely hear anything with a room full of men laughing so loud.
"You're never going to live this down," he said as he smiled. Thanks for the advice doc.
I guess I was only naked for about 15 minutes, but that story followed me around my whole career. Just when I thought it might have been forgotten, I would run into someone who was at my mini-medical, or knew me because they'd heard the story. Then I'd have to tell it again.
But, I learned that I like to make people laugh, even at my own expense.
So that advice your mom gave you about wearing clean underwear? I'll be sure to pass it along to my son. Only I'm going to change it a little bit.
Always remember to wear your underwear, period. Doesn't matter if they're dirty.