by
My parents never really got over the divorce. My mom, especially. She could understand how someone might get married without being in love, or how someone could spend eight years with a man and feel lonely the entire time. But what she couldn't understand was why that person had to be her daughter.
My parents have been married for almost 40 years. It's not always blissful - they're both stubborn and quick-tempered, and it was often loud in our house in California. But my parents are perfect neurotic soul mates, who can fight about the color of my dad's hair dye one minute and then cuddle in front of a Chinese soap opera the next.
To them, normal people get married. Respectable people, happy people. And they stay married.
I first met Andrew when I was a sophomore in college. He was a third-year law student - timid and quiet. We didn't have much to say to each other. But my mom reminded me that he was Chinese, at the top of his class at Stanford and would treat me well. Andrew did treat me well. He liked taking care of me, and after six years, I guess we both mistook that for the kind of love you get married for.
I woke up the day after the wedding blinking up at the ceiling. I felt like my life had reached a dead end. I was unexcited about my new marriage, my new job as a lawyer and the expectation that we would start our own family very soon.
Andrew and I lasted two more years. We prepared our own legal papers, divided our assets and promised always to stay friends.
My parents were devastated. They thought I had thrown away the perfect life. They wouldn't even mention the divorce to their friends, even though they reassured me they weren't ashamed.
But for me, the divorce was emboldening. I quit being a lawyer two years later. Went from a six-figure salary to an unpaid internship at a local radio station, and loved every minute of my liberation.
Last weekend, I told my mom I was writing this essay.
MOM: Hello?
ME: Hi...
MOM: Hi Ailsa! I got your birthday card today.
I asked her that morning how she thinks I've changed in the last four years.
MOM: These four years, you do everything by your own. You are just as a, just strong as a man.
ME: You know what? I think getting divorced is one of the best things that ever happened to me. It was because I proved to myself that I can make a very difficult decision and survive and chart a new path.
MOM: That make me happy, Ailsa. This is your true voice …. You pay that price, but you gained this incredible strength which you don't know before.
I asked her how she's changed since the divorce.
MOM: As the mother 60-year-old-something, I still have to learn, and I'm learning. After four years, my daughter is transforming. And I see her happier. That is above everything, as a mother.
But she says she still hopes I'll get married again one day - and maybe even give her a couple grandkids.